Monday, February 27, 2006

Plastic Fantastic Lover

OK, here's Part Two, as promised.

When I began chatting on the net, Anthony and I had been separated for awhile, but we weren't yet divorced. I wasn't ready to date, so chatting on the net, in the evenings, after the boys were asleep, seemed a safe and harmless way to have some contact with other adults. I always went to the same adult chat room. I'd made quite a few friends there, and there was always someone new trying to figure out what was going on, so I was usually completely engaged by just staying in the main room. Sometimes I had private conversations, but the group in the main room was lively and fun, and that's where the action seemed to be. I noticed that sometimes, although friends' names would show up in the room, those friends would be strangely silent, not participating in the dialogue. I just thought they were away from their computers and had forgotten to click, "I'm away from my computer". (Yes, I still am that gullible.)

It's hard to explain what a talented, funny group of people had found their way to that chat room for a couple of months that fall. Everyone had a role, and you'd come in and be greeted enthusiastically, and jump right in. It's what I imagine it must be like being part of a team writing a sit com. I've never encountered anything remotely similar again.

However, even after being a regular for several weeks, I remained blissfully unaware of the meaning of "Adult Chat Room", until one night, when I was chatting with G, and he typed, "You know, there are pictures on this site of some of the people in this room."

"Really?" I typed back. "Wow, I'd love to see pics of some of the people we chat with!"

He told me how to access the pics.

Oh, my.

I’d never in my life seen pics like that, and to think they were on the internet, for anyone to see...I couldn’t believe it. I also couldn’t tear myself away...

After about half an hour, G private messaged me. "What do you think?" he typed, and I knew he was laughing, because I knew he’d gotten a kick out of shocking me. "You are SO bad!" I typed. "Well, you already knew that, though," he typed, and I knew he was still laughing.

Because it was an adult chat room, there were many times when I'd been in the room that I'd been pm’d (private messaged) by guys asking me if I wanted to have cybersex. I'd always said no, but the truth was, I had no idea what I was turning down because I didn't have any idea what cybersex was. It seemed like one of those things that I should have already known, and accordingly, I was too embarrassed to ask anyone to explain it. I couldn't even bring myself to ask G about it; I knew he'd tease me.

Sooooooo...one Friday night when I was home alone, chatting and listening to Jefferson Airplane's Surrealistic Pillow, and a very articulate guy who was a stranger to the room pm'd me and asked me if I wanted to have cybersex with him, I asked him outright: What is that, exactly?

He explained.

Oh, my.

Uh-huh.

What a concept. Gives a whole new meaning to the idea of safe sex, for sure, but it seemed like it would be more a guy thing than my thing. Call me old fashioned, but I was pretty sure I still preferred to know and like anyone before I’d even consider having sex with him, and what’s more, I was pretty sure I still preferred to be physically in the room together...able to literally reach out and touch each other...and yet...perhaps I was hopelessly behind the times...and even if I weren’t...frankly, it had been a while, and there was no one even on the horizon for me to...um...interact with, so to speak...soooooo...

Mr. Articulate went on to explain that he was in his 20's, and that he was a student working on an MFA in writing at one of New York’s finer institutions of higher learning. Of course, it being the internet, that could have been (and probably was) a lie. He could have been a woman; he could have been a plumber and/or serial killer, for all I knew, but he seemed bright and was definitely articulate...the perfect Plastic Fantastic Lover, I thought. The boys were out for the evening, so I was home alone, with no danger of being interrupted...suddenly feeling adventuresome, I said OK.

Sitting up straight in front of the keyboard, my imagination kicked into high gear as I tried to imagine his opening foray...total fantasy time! I couldn’t help but think of one way I might approach this little exercise: I’m standing backstage at a packed theatre. On stage, a performance has just begun. Although there are actors in front of the curtain and technicians behind it, no one notices me, because I’m standing in the shadows, off to the side of stage right, alone and, for all practical purposes, invisible. I’m so close to the heavy stage curtain that if I lean forward ever so slightly, the soft silk lining brushes against my face, a not unpleasant sensation. I brush my face against it, and as I do, I move my right hand slightly, grasping the edge of the curtain, and crushing the combination of silk and soft, thick velvet into the palm of my hand. Suddenly, I feel you standing behind me, so close that I can feel your breath, warm on the nape of my neck, and my heart begins to pound as you roughly slip your hand beneath my...

Ah, but that was my cybersex fantasy, not his. I sat up a little straighter, and stared at the monitor screen, eager to see what words Mr. Articulate would choose for his first move.

"What are you wearing?" he typed.

Oh! Hmmmmmmmm. After my own imaginative flight of fancy, I was expecting something a little more articulate and creative than that. But I was new to this, what did I know? I'd just come from the gym, so I answered honestly. I typed, "I'm wearing a grey leotard and grey leggings...", then I hit "send", and waited eagerly for his response.

He typed, "Mmmmmmmmm, you look great, OK, I'm kissing you, ohhhhhhh, you feel soooo good...mmmmmmmmmmm, I’m kissing your neck...mmmmm...I'm removing your leotard..."

He stopped typing abruptly, which was fine with me, because his words were having absolutely no effect on me, no doubt at least in part because my brain was saying, "He’s kidding, right? What does he mean, I look great? He has no idea what I look like..." etc., etc. Not exactly the proper frame of mind for cyber sex, but my frame of mind, nevertheless.

I waited. In a few moments, he began typing again, and I read the following: "Errrrrr...um....OK, I’m sorta stuck here. A grey leotard and leggings, I can visualize that, ‘cause I see women in those things at the gym all the time, and I have to admit, I think they’re very hot, but...I also have to admit, I've never actually removed one of those things...they fit so tight and they don’t appear to have any seams or zippers or anything...I don't have a clue how you women get into 'em, and I can't even begin to imagine how you get out of 'em...you're gonna have to help me out here a bit."

Suddenly I felt like Mrs. Robinson seducing Benjamin...and I couldn't help it...I began to laugh.
I typed, "Hey there, I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this..." Then I signed out of the room for the evening and turned off my computer.


I poured myself a glass of wine, and curled up, alone but content, with a book, as Gracie Slick continued to belt it out in the background: Don't you want somebody to love, don't you need somebody to love, wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find somebody to love...

18 comments:

Celeste said...

Phewph! SEE? It's NOT just me...and thanks for validating my thoughts. ;) C.

Paul said...

Gracie wasn't as demure as you; she did everyone in the band except Marty Balin.

Lisa :-] said...

Cyber sex. Ew. I have no other words...

primal said...

Gotta love the internet, eh? Just one insane experience after another. Thank you for the visit, the comment and the link. I have reciprocated on the linkage.

Marika said...

The internet has such fantastic potential, I find it hilarious that usually one of the first things to raise its ugly head (no pun intended) is cybersex. It takes some of the sheen off the whole experience!

Theresa Williams said...

It was so great to read this again. It's even better the sexond time! :-)

Tammy said...

I loved this Judi, it made laugh out loud! I had a very similar experience. They should have warning labels or computer lingo books. LOL

I may have met my mate online, but we never had cybersex. LOL

XXOO

emmapeelDallas said...

LOL! For the record, I decided that cybersex was not for me, either, and that was the end of that experience for me.

:)

Judi

Paul said...

What are you wearing?

Judith HeartSong said...

fxoh my god that was funny.

Judith HeartSong said...

ummm... the fx above somehow jumped into my text as I was typing the code... glad it was not another combo of letters... eek

alphawoman said...

Reminds me of a movie we rented from Netflix (so I can't remember the name of it) where the two young boy, approx. ages 12 and 6, stumble into a chat room. The six year old is sitting there alone, conversing with a "stanger" and she asks him,"Are you touvhing yourself" and he tooks down at his two fingers slightly touching on the key board.....It was a very cute movie despite the steamy content. They ended up meeting on a park bench.

Gannet Girl said...

This has to be one of the best and funniest things I have ever read online about online life.

TJ said...

Foprgive me my new nwt friend as I am laughing so freaking hard I can't stand it!!
My husband has even got up and came out to see what the hell?
Sweet Bridget! Cyber Sex!! I had it figured out as alot f###ing and fantacy and my sister told me just how much more it can go...somehow all those itty bitty details would leave me laughing I am sure of it!!! She said she made a typo of call me your slot instead of slut and the game when crazy on her...he slot slot slotted her until she rolled off her chair. She was thinking it was him and not her that started it and thought him a wierdo! I would hate to engage in anything that ONE LETTER could make so much difference! LOL
Love your entry. Laughing my ass off!

TJ said...

Proof reading my comment I can see I would be in BIG trouble with mistyping!!
Still laughing.
TJ

dreaminglily said...

lmao Oh Judi lol Oh I love you lol You have made my night and giving me an honest to god laugh lol Thank you so much for writing this. The most I've laughed this week.

~Lily

tina said...

Thanks for a good laugh. This guy could have used a bit of practice first. Sounds like maybe you were his trial run ... what an honor ! Hope ya let him down easy ... lol Ah, this was a fun read ! Tina

cw2smom said...

Tooooo funny! That would be me...stumbling in to make "friends" in an adult chat room. Who woulda thought "adult" has to mean sex? Geez. I am glad you stopped when you did...as it sounded sooooo awkward! I would have hated to have spewed my soda all over my keyboard while reading and visualizing THAT! Blessings for some real loving! Lisa