Fun, fun, fun...

So this morning at 9:30 I go to get scoped, top and bottom...well, actually, bottom and, if all goes smoothly...no pun intended...then top too...

Yuck. As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been putting this procedure off for years, hoping for a medical breakthrough that would help me to avoid it entirely. I thought this had finally happened last fall, when I heard about the Virtual Colonoscopy, but it turns out that it’s not nearly so virtual as one would hope, in addition to which there are two major drawbacks: no drugs (what’s the fun in that?) and, if they find any “problems” you’re scheduled for...you guessed it... a regular colonoscopy. Uh-huh.

So I decided to opt for drugs and get the whole thing over and done with all at once. My friends keep asking, “How do you feel about this?” Can you tell I hang out with a bunch of women who majored in psychology? Well, the truth is, I’ve been feeling sort of cheap. I keep thinking the doc and I don’t know each other well enough for me to submit to this kind of...indignity. I mean, shouldn’t he at least buy me dinner or a drink first?

My baby brother has had this procedure done and assures me it’s nothing. Dave says the preparation is worse than the, uh...procedure itself. I’ve had an endoscopy before, and that was a breeze, thanks to the wonderful drugs they administer beforehand, something the anesthesiology staff calls “twilight sleep”, usually a combination of midazolam and diazepam. These are goooooood drugs that leave you conscious but extremely cooperative during the procedure, and then have the added bonus of wiping out all conscious memory of the event, sort of the GI docs’ variation of “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...” When I had the endoscopy, I was so relaxed that if the doc had appeared with 30 feet of garden hose coiled over his shoulder to do the scope, I’m pretty sure my reaction would have been to have simply smiled dreamily and opened wide...and it’s true, I don’t remember a thing about it.

And Dave was right, the preparation is pretty grim. On Monday, I started the required liquid diet. For breakfast I had a nice glass of apple juice (orange juice is too pulpy); for lunch I had chicken broth and jello, and for dinner I had chicken broth and jello. Ditto yesterday...except that yesterday afternoon at 2:00, as instructed, I had an ice cold bottle of Magnesium Citrate, “the sparkling laxative”...yeah, well, despite the kicky name, I can assure you, I won’t be ordering that in place of any other sparkling beverages that I regularly consume any time soon. I was at work when I consumed the bottle of sparkling laxative, and shortly after consuming it, I realized the instructions should have read, “At 2:00 PM, at home, drink a 10 oz. bottle of Magnesium Citrate...”

I was surprised but happy to learn that in spite of my age and the fact that I’ve been avoiding the gym, at least some of the muscles in my body are still quite strong...nevertheless, shortly after consuming the sparkling laxative, not wanting to press my luck, I closed up shop and left for the day.

At home, the 4 liter jug of NuLytely awaited me. Mixed with lukewarm water, per instructions, it rendered a little over a gallon of a liquid that bore an alarming resemblance to spit. I noticed there was a couched sort of acknowledgment of this in the written instructions: “If you cannot drink the solution or vomiting occurs, call Dr. W’s office immediately. It may be necessary to delay your exam and change preparations.” After all the preparation I'd done up to this point, no way was I backing down now. I managed to drink about two-thirds of it (approximately 80 ounces) at the recommended rate of eight ounces every ten minutes, before my gag reflex kicked in hard and said No More; however, the amount I’d consumed produced the required results, details of which I’ll refrain from providing.

There’s a goofy GI doc named Dr. Fusco whose partner (uh, that’s medical partner) did a colonoscopy on Dr. F a couple of years ago (oh, those crazy GI docs!) and he wrote about it here, in a lot more detail than I’ve provided.

A's driving me there; Kath is picking me up, and tomorrow night I'm going to have a GREAT dinner...