The Good, The Bad & The Ugly - Viewer Discretion Advised

So my boss came by my cube a couple of weeks ago, as is her wont, sat down and said, “I saw a truck with, uh, balls hanging off the back of it this afternoon. Do you know anything about that?”

Huh?!?!?!

Do I know anything about, uh, balls? A little…but didn’t really wanna have that conversation with my boss. About trucks? Nothing, zero, nada…although the word “Hemi”, which I can’t define, did leap, unwarranted, into my mind. About trucks with balls? Even less than I know about trucks…and why was she ASKING me this? Or should I say, why was she asking ME this?

Then I realized, shoot, it’s probably because I'd recently had Ike neutered, which I’d discussed with her as I'd needed to telecommute that day, and like it or not, I'd therefore, albeit inadvertently, opened the topic for discussion. But really, I didn’t think I had (opened the topic for discussion). I mean, when I sent her an email about it, this was the pic I'd included of Ike, HELLO.




















“Uh, whaddya mean, balls hanging from a truck?” I asked.

“I’m not kidding,” she said. “I was driving down I-35, and this big pick-up truck came up next to me and then passed me, very loud, and there were, uh…balls hanging from it’s rear.”

“Balls?”

“Yeah.”

“As in…?”

“Yeah!”

"Whoa. I’ve never seen that...”

“Yeah, I hadn’t either, and if I never see it again it’ll be too soon, but here’s the thing that I don’t get…it was a BIG truck…”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and the balls were…tiny. I mean miniscule.”

“Whoa.”

“Yeah! What’s the message there?”

I’m willing to concede there are testosterone challenged males who feel the need to do this (hang balls from their trucks). Obviously this is so, because the evidence is all around us. But who are they doing this for, besides themselves, I mean? Certainly not for women, because all of the women I’ve discussed this with have, like my boss and me, been thoroughly grossed out. And if they’re hanging them there for other guys to see…well why not have them in proportion to the size of the truck, or even BIGGER? Shoot, if I were a guy inclined to do this, I’d be looking for basketballs to make my point.

Since this interesting little late afternoon conversation, I’ve googled the topic. The things are called (yuck): BumperNutz, Car Balls, Truck Balls, Truck Nutz, etc. They’re sold online (of course) and come in a variety of colors and sizes, from small (4”), flesh-colored little biker nuts ($8.75) to BumperBalls Designer Series, “Big Boy Style” tumbled brass balls. Designed for bigger trucks and Hummers, those weigh 3 pounds and cost $55.00, but Key ring nuts are also available (I am not making this up!) for those nuts who are so insecure they have to have access, of a sort, at all times, to their masculinity.

































I’ve concluded this must be a basic gender difference, because I can’t imagine a woman having a fake uterus hanging down from the back of her car.

Ever.

Not under any circumstances.

But if a woman were to do that...say, a woman selling Mary Kay cosmetics, with a big pink Cadillac… how far do you think that woman would be able to actually drive, with a big pink uterus hanging out from the rear of her car, before she got pulled over and issued a ticket? I mean, seriously…

That’s all I’m gonna say about it.

Welllllllll, almost.

OK, I have to admit, along the same lines...when we first moved to Texas, I admired that they’d done it, but wondered how it had come to be that the logo for the University of Texas was a line drawing of women’s fallopian tubes. It’s not, of course, the logo is Texas Longhorns, but just look at this, and you’ll see what I mean:



























I rest my case.